Finally An Update.....

Well, it has been a long time since I updated this blog, and for that I apologize. Shortly after my last entry, my life really spun out of control & eventually went in directions I never thought it would go. Throughout all of the changes my life has undergone since my last entry, one thing has remained constant--that my mother is gone & that I miss her very much.

First off, I am no longer married to the man that I spoke about in my previous entries. My ex-husband continued continued drinking while taking his medication for the treatment of bipolar disorder & he got to the point where he became physically abusive towards me. We did reunite one last time after my last blog entry when my ex-husband came back to the house, but in October 2007 he tried to hurt me again & I had to have him arrested for domestic abuse.

That was the end of the line for me, finally. We separated in permanently in October 2007 & our divorce was finalized in June 2008. Between the time we separated & the date our divorce became final, I went through a counseling program for abused women at a local domestic abuse program...I truly believe it helped save my life & keep my sanity during that awful time in my life. I urge all people who are in abusive relationship to get help! You do have options other than staying with your abusive partner!

In February 2008, my ex-husband's mother died of cancer as well & I was not able to say good-bye to her while she was still alive, which saddens me to this day. I really loved my ex-mother-in-law because she was a very kind & loving woman who always loved me. I did go to her memorial ceremony, although my now ex-husband was there as well. I miss her very much.

Life wasn't all bad during this period...I met my current husband face-to-face for this first time in February 2008 as well! Crazy, I know! I had been chatting with him online as a friend for many years prior to our meeting at a Baker's Square restaurant so that he could buy some jewelry I'd made for his daughters & even though I was not looking to start another romantic relationship so soon, I guess God had other plans for me because there was an instant bond between us the first time we laid eyes upon each other! We began dating & quickly fell deeply in love & we were married on 12/28/2008! He is a wonderful, kind, caring, & intelligent man & I am so glad we are married! Both of his daughters from his first marriage live with us now...talk about a big change for me! Me, living with kids & being a step-mother! I love his daughters very much & I am happy to have them in my life.

Another event happened in December 2008 as well...I was laid off from my job of over 13 years! Needless to say, that was a major blow for me to deal with & is one I'm still suffering from today. I am still looking for work! I have sent out so many resumes I've lost count, gone on dozens of interviews but have had no luck in finding another full-time job. This has been a hard thing for me to deal with because I've worked all of my life since high school & being out of work for so long has really dealt a blow to my self-esteem. However, I keep plugging away in the hopes that something will come along sooner or later. In the meantime, I continue working as a pet-sitter with my best friend...we started our own pet sitting company in February 2007 & we are still in business.

Other events:

I had to give my dog Milo up for adoption because he was just to much for me to handle. He was a good dog & found a great home. I now serve as a foster home for the rescue organization that placed him & have helped several other dogs find a new home since then....one with me.

Two of my beloved dogs had to be put to sleep...my Welsh Terrier Kirby & my Miniature Schnauzer Joe. Kirby was very old & had many health issues that had made his quality of life very poor & so I had to have him put to sleep in July 2009. I'd had him since October 1997 when I adopted him from a local rescue group & he was a great dog.

Joe was a Miniature Schnauzer I adopted in July 2007 from the rescue group I volunteer with. He was dog I began fostering shortly after my last blog post in May 2007...he was given up along with 10 other dogs by a woman who was dying of cancer & who had to give up her breeding dogs. She ran a puppy mill! Joe, along with the other rescued dogs, were all in terrible condition when the rescue group got them--Joe had to have 30 teeth pulled because he'd suffered from a lack of dental care & had a raging long-term infection in his mouth from the rotting teeth. Because of this long-term infection, Joe's kidneys were damaged & could no longer function properly & in February 2010 he went into acute kidney failure for a second time & the vet was unable to do anything to help him & so I had to put him to sleep to end his suffering. I miss him very much.

However, I did adopt another dog I was fostering in April 2009, another puppy mill breeding dog that was saved from a puppy mill in either Missouri or Iowa. His name is Carl & he is a white Miniature Schnauzer; he's currently my only dog & my entire family loves him very much. We consider ourselves very lucky to have him!

The parrots I mentioned in my last blog entry went on to find new homes. I currently have five parrots: a Blue & Gold Macaw, two Congo African Greys, a White Capped Pionus parrot, and a Lovebird. All of them are birds I've had for a long time except for the Lovebird which I adopted from a pet sitting client who could no longer keep him.

I often wondered what my Mother would have said & done throughout this period of my life...she loved me very much & only wanted me to be happy. While I was going through the final throes of my break-up with my ex-husband, I really longed for her to be alive & able to lean on when I needed it. She loved my ex-husband but several months before she died, she told me that I really needed to end my relationship because of the pain it was causing me. She hated seeing me being abused & was torn up by it all. I feel badly that she had to deal with the pain of seeing me being hurt while she herself was dealing with her cancer. I know that she never stopped being a mother to me no matter what.

I wonder more so about what she would have said & done as she watched me fall in love with another man so quickly after the final separation from my ex-husband. In hindsight, for me my marriage to my ex-husband really ended in 2005 I really wasn't ready to let go until October 2007. I was very co-dependent & that is why I stayed with my ex-husband for so long.

I am sure my Mother would have advised me not to get into another romantic relationship so soon, and I assure you that I had every intention of waiting a long time to get involved with someone else, but as I said before in this post, God had other plans for me. I would like to think that if my Mother was still alive as I was falling in love with my current husband that she would have eventually given me her blessing when she saw what a wonderful man he was & how right we were, and still are, for each other.

My current husband has gone with me on visits to my Mother's grave & he is very sad that he never got to meet her in person. He tells me that he feels like he knew her from all the stories I've told him about her & when he goes with me to visit her grave, he tells her that he loves me very much & that he promises to love me & take care of me. I can only hope that my Mother hears his words & can see how happy I am with this man & that she finally has some peace in knowing that I am okay.

I also really wonder what my Mother would have reacted to me become a step-mother! I always told her when she was alive that I never wanted children of my own & if that I ever did get romantically involved with another man, I'd make sure it was a man who didn't have kids. Well, the joke turned out to be on me! Not only did I fall in love with a man with two teenage daughters (ages 17 & 15 now) but both eventually ended up moving in to live with my husband & I full-time!

I think that my Mother would have been had a good laugh about this situation, among other things! I would like to think that she'd be proud of me as she watched me learn to deal with living with children & having to learn how to do some parenting first-hand. I hope she would have been supportive & would have given me advice when I needed it.

It is because of this situation that I have really come to an even better understanding of what it is like to be a mother, albeit a step-mother in my case, & has made me appreciate my own Mother even more. I have come to really love my step-daughters almost as if they were my own flesh & blood & I now worry about them & mother them in the same fashion my Mother did for me & it is because of this that I now have a better understand all the hard work my Mother faced in having children. I want to say to her right now THANK YOU!

My Mother wasn't perfect, not by a long shot, but up until I became a step-mother I only had a vague idea of how hard it is to be a parent, even if I'm 'only' a step-parent. I was kind of a second mother to my younger sister for many years, but that is simply not the same thing. Being a parent of any type is hard work, but I think being a mother is the hardest of all.

I know Mom would have been proud of that fact that I've finally expanded my cooking skills--my ex-husband almost all of the cooking when we were together. Up until Thanksgiving 2009, I had never cooked my own turkey before! I am 44 years old & have only made two Thanksgiving turkeys in my life--both turned out great, thanks to the advice of my best friend. I think my Mom would have been amazed that I could cook a great turkey.

As you can now see, my life has really gone in some directions I never thought it would at the time I wrote my previous entry to this blog. One thing has not changed: how badly I miss my Mom, how I still think about her everyday & miss her company, & how I am still mourning the fact that she's gone from this world. I miss her so much.

I do believe in God & Heaven. I do believe that my Mom went to Heaven after she died because she was a good person at heart & I believe she tried to do her best most of the time. I hope that, someday, I will see her again & will be able to hear her voice & feel her hug me. When that time comes, I hope that she'll say she'd proud of me. I am proud that she was my mother.