One Year

It was one year ago today that my Mother died of lung cancer. She tried to fight it for over 14 months but in the end, it proved to be too much for her & it took her life. I remember I was at work only a few minutes when I got a phone call from my brother saying they didn't think Mom had to much time left & that I'd better get to the hospital as quickly as possible. The problem was that the hospital was over 160 miles away, almost a three hour drive. I rushed home from work, my husband & I grabbed some clothes & our medications & we drove up north as fast as we could.

I remember arriving at the hospital, seeing my brother outside getting some air. He warned me that Mom was in terrible shape & that she probably only had hours to live. We went into the hospital room & she was unconscious from the pain medications they were giving her; they told us that she was totally unaware of what was going on around her. She was on an oxygen mask, gasping for air...her kidneys were shutting down & so fluid was starting to fill up her lungs. She was skinny, had no hair, and was so pale. It was shocking to see her in that condition because I had been with her just two days before when she still has some of her wits about her & she didn't look nearly as bad.

My siblings, our spouses, and myself were all in shock. We all knew the end would come sooner or later, yet that didn't prepare any of us for the actual fact of her impending death. Now we all together with her to face the end with her, at least that is what we all thought would happen. Instead, she passed away while being turned over by two nurses who asked all of us to leave the room while they did so. My belief is that Mom wanted to spare all of us from seeing the actual moment of her death & so she left during the brief moment none of us was in the room with her.

The week following her death is a blur for me now. I remember all of us sitting in the hospital room with her body, each taking time to say good-bye to her. I remember I was the one who turned off the IV drip that was in her arm. Then my sibling & I had to plan the funeral. My Mom was laid to rest in a plot given to her by her great-aunt & uncle, not far from her own parents. Lilacs were my Mom's favorite flowers & so I clipped a whole bunch of them off my bushes & brought them for her funeral.

Time went by & life went on for those of us she left behind. My life turn more painful turns as one of my dogs died from cancer a month after my Mom & then I watched as my husband slowly gave into his alcoholism & depression, trying to kill himself twice before the end of last year. My siblings faced their own ups and downs. We all came together, except for my husband, at my brother's house last Christmas. By then, my sister had announced she was pregnant again. My husband was committed to a hospital for treatment. My brother's life went on as usual with his wife & two children. But Christmas just wasn't the same without Mom.

Winter came & went. Now it is Spring & the lilacs are blooming again. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it out to my Mom's grave today, so I went last night after work. I brought a huge bouquet of lilacs that I had clipped with me for her, purple ones that smelled so sweet. God, she loved how they smelled.

I was shocked yesterday when I arrived at her grave to find that her headstone had finally been put in place. Seeing it there, with her name & the dates of her birth & death, brought everything back into sharp focus in my head. Here was the final proof that she was really gone, set in stone. It took my breath away.

I sat with her for awhile last night, caressing the headstone. I talked to her, telling her how much I love her & miss her. I told her everything that had gone on the past year to me & to my siblings. I kept touching the headstone because there is now nothing else left of her to touch. You can't touch memories, you can't hold them in your hand & feel them there. You can, however, hold them in your heart, which is what I do with my Mother's memories each & every day.

One year ago today, my life changed forever in an instant when my Mother died. Suddenly the world seemed a lot more frightening & painful. It became a much more lonely place for me. I no longer had my "Mommy" there to protect me from the full brunt of life's pain. Even though I am a grown woman, after my Mother's death I discovered that she had still protected me, somehow, from the worst of life's pain even after I'd become an adult & had gone out into the world on my own. I don't know how she did it, all I know is that she did.

My Mother left me many things--not material things--emotional lessons & wonderful memories. She also left me memories of bad times too, when we clashed over different issues & drifted apart from one another. I learned from her that life contains good times & bad, and that you can't have one without the other. She taught me to always try & hang onto your faith. She taught me how to love and how to hate.

She helped make me into the woman I am today.

So I say to her, thank you Mom. Thank you for your life, my life, and even for your death. From all of these things I have learned about what is important in life. I have learned from you that love is the greatest thing in the world...and that is can ironically be the worst thing too at times. I learned from you that no one is perfect & that it is okay. I learned from you pride & humility. Sadness & joy. From you, I learned how to live.

Thank you, Mom, for everything. Please know that I love you with all my heart & I miss you with all of my soul. I hope you are proud of me & what I have accomplished on my own since you left this world one year ago today. I am still standing here, strong, on my own, living life. Just like you taught me to do.