2 Years Gone & It Still Hurts

My Mom died two years ago today at a hospital in Crosby, Minnesota from lung cancer. She's been 2 years gone and it still hurts emotionally, sometimes badly. Two years of living life without my Mother, two years without hearing her voice or feeling her touch. Two years....

Random memories flashed through my mind today, all day, about what happened on this day two years ago.

I remember I was the one that shut off the IV unit that was dripping fluids into her arm after she had died.

I was the one who called her only remaining close relatives alive, her aunt and uncle, I remember calling them but I don't remember what we said to one another. I also remember calling my father, her ex-husband, and telling him that she had died; I remember hearing his voice fill with tears and wondering what was going through his mind at that exact moment.

I remember going out to eat at the local cafe that was open for dinner, the waitress asking us how are day had been, and telling her my Mom had died earlier in the day. That caught her by surprise and she didn't know what to say, except that she was sorry. The look in her eyes went from being very friendly to sad.

My husband & I stayed in my Mom's apartment that night, although she hadn't lived there in months because at the end, she was living with my sister. It was so surreal to be in that apartment, finding a grocery list unfinished, Valentine's Day cards that never got mailed because she took a turn for the worst and went to live with my sister right before the holiday, smelling her in the sheets and pillows.

Then, of course, we had to arrange to have her body brought back from Crosby, Minnesota to Minneapolis for the funeral and burial. More random memories...

I remember the casket we liked best was one that looked like knotty pine paneling, which was what lined the walls of the family cabin and that was Mom's most favorite place to be. Then we found out it was the cremation casket and couldn't be used for a regular burial. What a weird thing to remember.

Lilacs were my Mom's favorite flower and they had bloomed early that year. Many bushes had few flowers on them, but mine the backyard had some. The funeral director did a wonderful thing; he brought in lilac blooms from the bushes in his own backyard because he knew they were important to us. He did not charge us extra for that.

I remember seeing my father crying at the graveside ceremony and I asked him why he was crying. Why did I ask him that? He had spent over 20 years of life with my Mom and fathered three children with her; was he crying because he still loved her in a way? He told me it was because he hated seeing "his girls", meaning my sister and I, hurting. Even then, beside the grave of the woman he'd been legally married to for 24 years, he couldn't admit that he might be crying because maybe he still loved her, maybe he regretted leaving her, or maybe he was telling the truth.

His wife, the woman he left my Mom for, was beside him and she was crying too. I felt little emotion about it at that time, but now I wonder what her tears were for. I never asked her why she was crying and I never will. But I did see her in a new light that day; she cared for my Mom, someway, somehow. By that point in time, I no longer felt any anger toward her for role in the break-up of my parent's marriage. The part of me that blamed her, the part of me that was still a little girl, was almost completely gone by then. Seeing her cry made that part of me go away forever.

I remember being at the cemetery, after the graveside ceremony was over, listening to my sister wailing that she didn't want to leave Mom alone to be put into the cold, hard ground. I didn't either, but I kept silent because I knew it had to happen. I tried to comfort her. It did no good. Her husband had to pull her away from the casket.

Random memories. Why did I remember these things today? What meaning can be found in these memories of the day of my Mother's death and the days immediately afterward? I look that them now, in writing, and see no pattern really, no reason why these are the memories that jumped out at me today. Sometimes, memories are like that, random and without reason.

I did not go to her grave today. I will go tomorrow, the day after her death anniversary and the day before Mother's Day this year. I will take her the lilac blooms off of the small bush in my backyard and maybe a few from the neighbor's bush, I will put them on her grave, and I will share my memories with her. And I will cry, and at least I will know and understand why I'm crying.

Spring is in the air, as is sadness and bittersweet memories...

On May 11th, 2005, my Mom died of lung cancer. Her birthday was May 3rd. And, of course, Mother's Day is coming up. I've found myself thinking about her a lot more often than usual lately. Facing the last two years alone, without my Mom, has been a nightmare sometimes. Yet, the way things have happened at certain times make me think my Mom is up there watching out for me, doing what she can to help me; I get an extra day of work at the synagogue when I really need the cash, or the chance to work at the pet bird store happening just as I ran out of bird food, or my friend Julie just happens to call or come over when I really feeling down and out.

This time of year is so bittersweet for me now. It used to be my favorite time of the year because everything is coming alive again, the snows of winter have melted, everything is turning green, and the mosquitoes have not hatched out yet so a person can actually enjoy being outside. Everything seems so fresh and new and alive. Plus, of course, it was the time of year to celebrate my Mom's birthday and Mother's Day back to back. Her favorite present was for us to bring her fresh cuttings of lilac flowers. Lilac flowers were her favorites because of the way they smelled and how beautiful and lush they appear.

Now, this time of year is tinged by the date of her death, May 11th. It has been almost two full years since she died of lung cancer, in the Spring, only days after her birthday and Mother's day in 2005. She died as the lilacs bloomed; I remember they adorned her casket. I cut them off my own lilac bush, which is a small one; I cut all the blooms off to put on her casket. I stripped the bush bare of its flowers, just as death had stripped the flower of my Mother from my life. Other people who came to her visitation and services brought lilac blooms too; everything smelled of lilacs and other flowers in the room she was in at the mortuary. How ironic that she'd die during what was her favorite time of year as well.

Why do things happen the way they do? Who can say? Only God can and I hope someday I'll be judged good enough by Him to stand before Him to get my question answered. Why do things happen the way they do?

It's been a long time....

Its been a long time since I've written anything here. My life has gotten to be so crazy that I haven't had time to do much of anything except work, work, work, care for my animals, and try to care for my husband.

Since I last wrote, I have gotten a new dog and taken in two parrots, one of which will be going to a new home soon and the other I've fallen in love with. The dog is a Miniature Schnauzer puppy my husband & I got back is September; we named him Milo and he's insane. I know my Mom thinks I'm insane right now for having all of these pets. Sometimes I think I'm insane too.

My husband came home from a halfway house he was living at, but things didn't go well and for reasons I won't mention, he's not living here at the house again. That is all I want to say about that.

I'm working three jobs to make ends meet, plus trying to get a pet sitting service off the ground with a friend of mine. It's called The Parrot Nannies of Minnesota Inc and we specialize in taking care of parrots in the client's home. We just got incorporated, bonded, and insured. We also will take care of other pets too.

I think my Mom would be proud that I'm trying to start my own business doing something I love. Chances are, we won't make it but at least I can say we tried to do something we loved as work!

Things have been hard for me lately; I've been feeling really lonely and depressed since my husband had to leave. Even though things were not perfect with him at home again, there were some nice moments that gave me hope things might turn out alright after all. Now...I don't think so.

I know my Mom is watching out for me. I feel her with me sometimes, guiding me. Other times, when I need money or help and have no idea what to do, a solutions appears out of the blue and I know she's up There trying to help me out. Still, it isn't the same as if she were here alive with me.

Well, I don't know what else to say right now. I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go to bed. You all have a good night.

Summertime

Summertime, hot warm evenings on the lake fishing for crappies. My Mom sitting at the back of the boat, her job was to run the motor & mine was to take care of dropping & lifting the anchor at the front of the boat. My little sister sat in the middle seat of the boat, fishing pole in hand. The sun shining above us as we pulled away from the dock for another evening of fishing. Across the lake we puttered in the big green fiberglass boat with the 9 HP motor, which was to small for the boat, but it got us to our fishing spot night after night without fail. Some nights we didn't catch anything, some nights we caught tons of fish, and each night was fun. Sitting in the golden light of the setting sun on Lake Morrison, all those years ago....thinking it would always be that way, always.

That was years ago, when I was a child and when the world was a totally different place. Summers at the family cabin seemed endless, even boring by the time August rolled around. Me, my Mom, and my sister spend every summer up there, next to two cabins that belonged to my Mom's grandmother (later her uncle) and my Mom's only paternal uncle. We spent the summers mixing with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins....it was so much fun.

My Mom loved it at the cabin, it was her favorite place to be.

Mother's Day

I am sorry that I didn't add anything to the site yesterday, Mother's Day. A combination of events kept me from getting on my computer yesterday; I wasn't feeling well, I went with my husband to see his Mom, & I decided to let my husband move back into the house yesterday.

My husband & I did make it out to the cemetery to visit my Mother's grave late in the afternoon. I cut more lilacs from my lilac bush, along with some from my kind-hearted neighbor's bush, and we drove out to visit Mom's grave. My husband hadn't seen her headstone before & I think it really shook him, considering that his own Mother isn't feeling very well right now as she is battling renal cancer. I pray each night before I go to bed that she is able to fight the cancer off once again....

Yesterday was less painful for me than I thought it would be, although I am not certain as to why. Maybe because the first anniversary of her death, May 11th, had occurred only a few day before? That day held a lot of sadness, pain, & grief for me, as did her birthday on May 3rd. I think that much of my sadness had flowed out of me by the time Mother's Day arrived. For the most part, I felt very drained yesterday, and I also felt a sense of relief.

Yes, a sense of relief, because I have finally faced the first year of my life without my Mother being alive. I have faced an entire year of holidays & important family events without her; I imagine as I face some of these same holidays in the future, they will be a bit easier to bear because I know now what it is like to live a full yearly cycle of my life without the benefit of my Mother's sense of life & love in this world. I still sense her life & love in a spiritual sense, however.

And so another year begins....

One Year

It was one year ago today that my Mother died of lung cancer. She tried to fight it for over 14 months but in the end, it proved to be too much for her & it took her life. I remember I was at work only a few minutes when I got a phone call from my brother saying they didn't think Mom had to much time left & that I'd better get to the hospital as quickly as possible. The problem was that the hospital was over 160 miles away, almost a three hour drive. I rushed home from work, my husband & I grabbed some clothes & our medications & we drove up north as fast as we could.

I remember arriving at the hospital, seeing my brother outside getting some air. He warned me that Mom was in terrible shape & that she probably only had hours to live. We went into the hospital room & she was unconscious from the pain medications they were giving her; they told us that she was totally unaware of what was going on around her. She was on an oxygen mask, gasping for air...her kidneys were shutting down & so fluid was starting to fill up her lungs. She was skinny, had no hair, and was so pale. It was shocking to see her in that condition because I had been with her just two days before when she still has some of her wits about her & she didn't look nearly as bad.

My siblings, our spouses, and myself were all in shock. We all knew the end would come sooner or later, yet that didn't prepare any of us for the actual fact of her impending death. Now we all together with her to face the end with her, at least that is what we all thought would happen. Instead, she passed away while being turned over by two nurses who asked all of us to leave the room while they did so. My belief is that Mom wanted to spare all of us from seeing the actual moment of her death & so she left during the brief moment none of us was in the room with her.

The week following her death is a blur for me now. I remember all of us sitting in the hospital room with her body, each taking time to say good-bye to her. I remember I was the one who turned off the IV drip that was in her arm. Then my sibling & I had to plan the funeral. My Mom was laid to rest in a plot given to her by her great-aunt & uncle, not far from her own parents. Lilacs were my Mom's favorite flowers & so I clipped a whole bunch of them off my bushes & brought them for her funeral.

Time went by & life went on for those of us she left behind. My life turn more painful turns as one of my dogs died from cancer a month after my Mom & then I watched as my husband slowly gave into his alcoholism & depression, trying to kill himself twice before the end of last year. My siblings faced their own ups and downs. We all came together, except for my husband, at my brother's house last Christmas. By then, my sister had announced she was pregnant again. My husband was committed to a hospital for treatment. My brother's life went on as usual with his wife & two children. But Christmas just wasn't the same without Mom.

Winter came & went. Now it is Spring & the lilacs are blooming again. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it out to my Mom's grave today, so I went last night after work. I brought a huge bouquet of lilacs that I had clipped with me for her, purple ones that smelled so sweet. God, she loved how they smelled.

I was shocked yesterday when I arrived at her grave to find that her headstone had finally been put in place. Seeing it there, with her name & the dates of her birth & death, brought everything back into sharp focus in my head. Here was the final proof that she was really gone, set in stone. It took my breath away.

I sat with her for awhile last night, caressing the headstone. I talked to her, telling her how much I love her & miss her. I told her everything that had gone on the past year to me & to my siblings. I kept touching the headstone because there is now nothing else left of her to touch. You can't touch memories, you can't hold them in your hand & feel them there. You can, however, hold them in your heart, which is what I do with my Mother's memories each & every day.

One year ago today, my life changed forever in an instant when my Mother died. Suddenly the world seemed a lot more frightening & painful. It became a much more lonely place for me. I no longer had my "Mommy" there to protect me from the full brunt of life's pain. Even though I am a grown woman, after my Mother's death I discovered that she had still protected me, somehow, from the worst of life's pain even after I'd become an adult & had gone out into the world on my own. I don't know how she did it, all I know is that she did.

My Mother left me many things--not material things--emotional lessons & wonderful memories. She also left me memories of bad times too, when we clashed over different issues & drifted apart from one another. I learned from her that life contains good times & bad, and that you can't have one without the other. She taught me to always try & hang onto your faith. She taught me how to love and how to hate.

She helped make me into the woman I am today.

So I say to her, thank you Mom. Thank you for your life, my life, and even for your death. From all of these things I have learned about what is important in life. I have learned from you that love is the greatest thing in the world...and that is can ironically be the worst thing too at times. I learned from you that no one is perfect & that it is okay. I learned from you pride & humility. Sadness & joy. From you, I learned how to live.

Thank you, Mom, for everything. Please know that I love you with all my heart & I miss you with all of my soul. I hope you are proud of me & what I have accomplished on my own since you left this world one year ago today. I am still standing here, strong, on my own, living life. Just like you taught me to do.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today my Mom would have been 64 years old & this is her first birthday without her in my life. I thought a lot about her today while I was at work and during the evening while I was at a club meetings. I can't believe that today was her birthday; it just didn't seem like it. Her birthday used to be something special to me & I always made a point to visit her or call her. Today came & couldn't do either one.

I am emotionally exhausted facing all of these important days without her crammed so close together; her birthday on May 3rd, the first anniversary of her death coming up on May 11th, and of course Mother's Day. Each of these days by alone is very emotional to deal with but having them all coincide so near one another is very hard to deal with.

As I was driving home from my meeting tonight, I tried talking to my Mom. I wished a happy birthday & told her that I loved her & missed her. It was the first time today I had a chance to just be alone & think about her. Oddly, I feel kind of numb. I am feeling very little pain, nor am I very upset. I wonder why? Is it because an entire year has gone by & am I starting to get used to her being gone? Or will the pain & sadness hit me later, as it has so often during the past year?

At any rate, all I can say is that I love you Mom & I miss you. Happy birthday.