A New Year Has Begun

Happy belated New Year everyone! We are now five days into the year 2006 and so far, so good! I spent New Year's Eve at home, alone (unless you count my pet parrots & my dog). Mom is in Heaven, my husband is going to be staying in the hospital for treatment for a long, long time, so it was just me & my thoughts as 2005 came to a close.

2005 began with much hope and happiness because, at the beginning of the year, my entire family believed that my Mother's cancer had gone into remission. My Mom looked really good at the beginning of 2005; she had some hair again, color back in her cheeks, and a spring in her step. But all was not right...there was a nagging pain in her lower back, one that her doctor's couldn't figure out.....

In February the doctors confirmed that my Mother' s lung cancer had returned & it has spread to her spine. The beast was back with a vengeance. My Mom wanted to do chemo again; she wanted to fight the cancer. She started chemo again but the harsh chemicals were too much for her this time around. I believe the chemo hastened her death & my Mother's chemo nurse agreed with me. My Mother wasn't strong enough for it this time around.

Thus 2005 became a nightmare year for me in many ways. Losing my Mother to death, losing my husband to mental illness & his alcoholism, losing one of my dogs to lymphoma...I could go on with many more things that happened in 2005 that made it an awful year for me.

Now another year has begun. It is a blank slate with nothing yet written on it. I come to this blank slate with many thoughts on my mind, many burdens on my shoulders, wondering what will be come to be in my life this year. I start the first complete year of my life without my Mother, without her love & her presence to guide me, without her humor to buoy me up, without her in my life. This fills me with sadness and dread. I miss her so much, although I know she is with me in spirit. I miss her.