A Mother's Death, A Daughter's Tears

Time Goes By

2011-08-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

Lots of time has gone by since my last post. Lots of things have happened in my life since then as well as in the lives of my siblings that make us really wish that Mom was still alive.

My oldest step-daughter is going off to college next week. This is something I never thought I'd experience, having a child that I've come to love go off to college! Gwen, my eldest step-daughter, has really grown a lot since I met her over three years ago & I am so proud of the young woman that she's grown into. I will miss her. My Mom would be amazed that I am even saying this since I swore to her while I was alive that I'd never get involved with a man who had kids--yet I did!

I'm not at liberty to post what is happening in the lives of my siblings but I know that they both miss Mom very much. Right now, my sister is having issues that I know she wishes Mom was here to support her with & I pray that Mom is watching down from Heaven & is sending loving vibes to my sister. I know I am.

The grief still hasn't gone away & I don't think it ever will. I think about my Mom everyday--until I stop doing that, the grief will probably continue to throb in my heart. It is not nearly as sharp as it used to be, though. That is a blessing.

Finally An Update.....

2010-12-02T10:10:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a long time since I updated this blog, and for that I apologize. Shortly after my last entry, my life really spun out of control & eventually went in directions I never thought it would go. Throughout all of the changes my life has undergone since my last entry, one thing has remained constant--that my mother is gone & that I miss her very much.

First off, I am no longer married to the man that I spoke about in my previous entries. My ex-husband continued continued drinking while taking his medication for the treatment of bipolar disorder & he got to the point where he became physically abusive towards me. We did reunite one last time after my last blog entry when my ex-husband came back to the house, but in October 2007 he tried to hurt me again & I had to have him arrested for domestic abuse.

That was the end of the line for me, finally. We separated in permanently in October 2007 & our divorce was finalized in June 2008. Between the time we separated & the date our divorce became final, I went through a counseling program for abused women at a local domestic abuse program...I truly believe it helped save my life & keep my sanity during that awful time in my life. I urge all people who are in abusive relationship to get help! You do have options other than staying with your abusive partner!

In February 2008, my ex-husband's mother died of cancer as well & I was not able to say good-bye to her while she was still alive, which saddens me to this day. I really loved my ex-mother-in-law because she was a very kind & loving woman who always loved me. I did go to her memorial ceremony, although my now ex-husband was there as well. I miss her very much.

Life wasn't all bad during this period...I met my current husband face-to-face for this first time in February 2008 as well! Crazy, I know! I had been chatting with him online as a friend for many years prior to our meeting at a Baker's Square restaurant so that he could buy some jewelry I'd made for his daughters & even though I was not looking to start another romantic relationship so soon, I guess God had other plans for me because there was an instant bond between us the first time we laid eyes upon each other! We began dating & quickly fell deeply in love & we were married on 12/28/2008! He is a wonderful, kind, caring, & intelligent man & I am so glad we are married! Both of his daughters from his first marriage live with us now...talk about a big change for me! Me, living with kids & being a step-mother! I love his daughters very much & I am happy to have them in my life.

Another event happened in December 2008 as well...I was laid off from my job of over 13 years! Needless to say, that was a major blow for me to deal with & is one I'm still suffering from today. I am still looking for work! I have sent out so many resumes I've lost count, gone on dozens of interviews but have had no luck in finding another full-time job. This has been a hard thing for me to deal with because I've worked all of my life since high school & being out of work for so long has really dealt a blow to my self-esteem. However, I keep plugging away in the hopes that something will come along sooner or later. In the meantime, I continue working as a pet-sitter with my best friend...we started our own pet sitting company in February 2007 & we are still in business.

Other events:

I had to give my dog Milo up for adoption because he was just to much for me to handle. He was a good dog & found a great home. I now serve as a foster home for the rescue organization that placed him & have helped several other dogs find a new home since then....one with me.

Two of my beloved dogs had to be put to sleep...my Welsh Terrier Kirby & my Miniature Schnauzer Joe. Kirby was very old & had many health issues that had made his quality of life very poor & so I had to have him put to sleep in July 2009. I'd had him since October 1997 when I adopted him from a local rescue group & he was a great dog.

Joe was a Miniature Schnauzer I adopted in July 2007 from the rescue group I volunteer with. He was dog I began fostering shortly after my last blog post in May 2007...he was given up along with 10 other dogs by a woman who was dying of cancer & who had to give up her breeding dogs. She ran a puppy mill! Joe, along with the other rescued dogs, were all in terrible condition when the rescue group got them--Joe had to have 30 teeth pulled because he'd suffered from a lack of dental care & had a raging long-term infection in his mouth from the rotting teeth. Because of this long-term infection, Joe's kidneys were damaged & could no longer function properly & in February 2010 he went into acute kidney failure for a second time & the vet was unable to do anything to help him & so I had to put him to sleep to end his suffering. I miss him very much.

However, I did adopt another dog I was fostering in April 2009, another puppy mill breeding dog that was saved from a puppy mill in either Missouri or Iowa. His name is Carl & he is a white Miniature Schnauzer; he's currently my only dog & my entire family loves him very much. We consider ourselves very lucky to have him!

The parrots I mentioned in my last blog entry went on to find new homes. I currently have five parrots: a Blue & Gold Macaw, two Congo African Greys, a White Capped Pionus parrot, and a Lovebird. All of them are birds I've had for a long time except for the Lovebird which I adopted from a pet sitting client who could no longer keep him.

I often wondered what my Mother would have said & done throughout this period of my life...she loved me very much & only wanted me to be happy. While I was going through the final throes of my break-up with my ex-husband, I really longed for her to be alive & able to lean on when I needed it. She loved my ex-husband but several months before she died, she told me that I really needed to end my relationship because of the pain it was causing me. She hated seeing me being abused & was torn up by it all. I feel badly that she had to deal with the pain of seeing me being hurt while she herself was dealing with her cancer. I know that she never stopped being a mother to me no matter what.

I wonder more so about what she would have said & done as she watched me fall in love with another man so quickly after the final separation from my ex-husband. In hindsight, for me my marriage to my ex-husband really ended in 2005 I really wasn't ready to let go until October 2007. I was very co-dependent & that is why I stayed with my ex-husband for so long.

I am sure my Mother would have advised me not to get into another romantic relationship so soon, and I assure you that I had every intention of waiting a long time to get involved with someone else, but as I said before in this post, God had other plans for me. I would like to think that if my Mother was still alive as I was falling in love with my current husband that she would have eventually given me her blessing when she saw what a wonderful man he was & how right we were, and still are, for each other.

My current husband has gone with me on visits to my Mother's grave & he is very sad that he never got to meet her in person. He tells me that he feels like he knew her from all the stories I've told him about her & when he goes with me to visit her grave, he tells her that he loves me very much & that he promises to love me & take care of me. I can only hope that my Mother hears his words & can see how happy I am with this man & that she finally has some peace in knowing that I am okay.

I also really wonder what my Mother would have reacted to me become a step-mother! I always told her when she was alive that I never wanted children of my own & if that I ever did get romantically involved with another man, I'd make sure it was a man who didn't have kids. Well, the joke turned out to be on me! Not only did I fall in love with a man with two teenage daughters (ages 17 & 15 now) but both eventually ended up moving in to live with my husband & I full-time!

I think that my Mother would have been had a good laugh about this situation, among other things! I would like to think that she'd be proud of me as she watched me learn to deal with living with children & having to learn how to do some parenting first-hand. I hope she would have been supportive & would have given me advice when I needed it.

It is because of this situation that I have really come to an even better understanding of what it is like to be a mother, albeit a step-mother in my case, & has made me appreciate my own Mother even more. I have come to really love my step-daughters almost as if they were my own flesh & blood & I now worry about them & mother them in the same fashion my Mother did for me & it is because of this that I now have a better understand all the hard work my Mother faced in having children. I want to say to her right now THANK YOU!

My Mother wasn't perfect, not by a long shot, but up until I became a step-mother I only had a vague idea of how hard it is to be a parent, even if I'm 'only' a step-parent. I was kind of a second mother to my younger sister for many years, but that is simply not the same thing. Being a parent of any type is hard work, but I think being a mother is the hardest of all.

I know Mom would have been proud of that fact that I've finally expanded my cooking skills--my ex-husband almost all of the cooking when we were together. Up until Thanksgiving 2009, I had never cooked my own turkey before! I am 44 years old & have only made two Thanksgiving turkeys in my life--both turned out great, thanks to the advice of my best friend. I think my Mom would have been amazed that I could cook a great turkey.

As you can now see, my life has really gone in some directions I never thought it would at the time I wrote my previous entry to this blog. One thing has not changed: how badly I miss my Mom, how I still think about her everyday & miss her company, & how I am still mourning the fact that she's gone from this world. I miss her so much.

I do believe in God & Heaven. I do believe that my Mom went to Heaven after she died because she was a good person at heart & I believe she tried to do her best most of the time. I hope that, someday, I will see her again & will be able to hear her voice & feel her hug me. When that time comes, I hope that she'll say she'd proud of me. I am proud that she was my mother.

2 Years Gone & It Still Hurts

2007-05-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

My Mom died two years ago today at a hospital in Crosby, Minnesota from lung cancer. She's been 2 years gone and it still hurts emotionally, sometimes badly. Two years of living life without my Mother, two years without hearing her voice or feeling her touch. Two years....

Random memories flashed through my mind today, all day, about what happened on this day two years ago.

I remember I was the one that shut off the IV unit that was dripping fluids into her arm after she had died.

I was the one who called her only remaining close relatives alive, her aunt and uncle, I remember calling them but I don't remember what we said to one another. I also remember calling my father, her ex-husband, and telling him that she had died; I remember hearing his voice fill with tears and wondering what was going through his mind at that exact moment.

I remember going out to eat at the local cafe that was open for dinner, the waitress asking us how are day had been, and telling her my Mom had died earlier in the day. That caught her by surprise and she didn't know what to say, except that she was sorry. The look in her eyes went from being very friendly to sad.

My husband & I stayed in my Mom's apartment that night, although she hadn't lived there in months because at the end, she was living with my sister. It was so surreal to be in that apartment, finding a grocery list unfinished, Valentine's Day cards that never got mailed because she took a turn for the worst and went to live with my sister right before the holiday, smelling her in the sheets and pillows.

Then, of course, we had to arrange to have her body brought back from Crosby, Minnesota to Minneapolis for the funeral and burial. More random memories...

I remember the casket we liked best was one that looked like knotty pine paneling, which was what lined the walls of the family cabin and that was Mom's most favorite place to be. Then we found out it was the cremation casket and couldn't be used for a regular burial. What a weird thing to remember.

Lilacs were my Mom's favorite flower and they had bloomed early that year. Many bushes had few flowers on them, but mine the backyard had some. The funeral director did a wonderful thing; he brought in lilac blooms from the bushes in his own backyard because he knew they were important to us. He did not charge us extra for that.

I remember seeing my father crying at the graveside ceremony and I asked him why he was crying. Why did I ask him that? He had spent over 20 years of life with my Mom and fathered three children with her; was he crying because he still loved her in a way? He told me it was because he hated seeing "his girls", meaning my sister and I, hurting. Even then, beside the grave of the woman he'd been legally married to for 24 years, he couldn't admit that he might be crying because maybe he still loved her, maybe he regretted leaving her, or maybe he was telling the truth.

His wife, the woman he left my Mom for, was beside him and she was crying too. I felt little emotion about it at that time, but now I wonder what her tears were for. I never asked her why she was crying and I never will. But I did see her in a new light that day; she cared for my Mom, someway, somehow. By that point in time, I no longer felt any anger toward her for role in the break-up of my parent's marriage. The part of me that blamed her, the part of me that was still a little girl, was almost completely gone by then. Seeing her cry made that part of me go away forever.

I remember being at the cemetery, after the graveside ceremony was over, listening to my sister wailing that she didn't want to leave Mom alone to be put into the cold, hard ground. I didn't either, but I kept silent because I knew it had to happen. I tried to comfort her. It did no good. Her husband had to pull her away from the casket.

Random memories. Why did I remember these things today? What meaning can be found in these memories of the day of my Mother's death and the days immediately afterward? I look that them now, in writing, and see no pattern really, no reason why these are the memories that jumped out at me today. Sometimes, memories are like that, random and without reason.

I did not go to her grave today. I will go tomorrow, the day after her death anniversary and the day before Mother's Day this year. I will take her the lilac blooms off of the small bush in my backyard and maybe a few from the neighbor's bush, I will put them on her grave, and I will share my memories with her. And I will cry, and at least I will know and understand why I'm crying.

Spring is in the air, as is sadness and bittersweet memories...

2007-04-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

On May 11th, 2005, my Mom died of lung cancer. Her birthday was May 3rd. And, of course, Mother's Day is coming up. I've found myself thinking about her a lot more often than usual lately. Facing the last two years alone, without my Mom, has been a nightmare sometimes. Yet, the way things have happened at certain times make me think my Mom is up there watching out for me, doing what she can to help me; I get an extra day of work at the synagogue when I really need the cash, or the chance to work at the pet bird store happening just as I ran out of bird food, or my friend Julie just happens to call or come over when I really feeling down and out.

This time of year is so bittersweet for me now. It used to be my favorite time of the year because everything is coming alive again, the snows of winter have melted, everything is turning green, and the mosquitoes have not hatched out yet so a person can actually enjoy being outside. Everything seems so fresh and new and alive. Plus, of course, it was the time of year to celebrate my Mom's birthday and Mother's Day back to back. Her favorite present was for us to bring her fresh cuttings of lilac flowers. Lilac flowers were her favorites because of the way they smelled and how beautiful and lush they appear.

Now, this time of year is tinged by the date of her death, May 11th. It has been almost two full years since she died of lung cancer, in the Spring, only days after her birthday and Mother's day in 2005. She died as the lilacs bloomed; I remember they adorned her casket. I cut them off my own lilac bush, which is a small one; I cut all the blooms off to put on her casket. I stripped the bush bare of its flowers, just as death had stripped the flower of my Mother from my life. Other people who came to her visitation and services brought lilac blooms too; everything smelled of lilacs and other flowers in the room she was in at the mortuary. How ironic that she'd die during what was her favorite time of year as well.

Why do things happen the way they do? Who can say? Only God can and I hope someday I'll be judged good enough by Him to stand before Him to get my question answered. Why do things happen the way they do?

It's been a long time....

2007-03-04T18:27:00.000-08:00

Its been a long time since I've written anything here. My life has gotten to be so crazy that I haven't had time to do much of anything except work, work, work, care for my animals, and try to care for my husband.

Since I last wrote, I have gotten a new dog and taken in two parrots, one of which will be going to a new home soon and the other I've fallen in love with. The dog is a Miniature Schnauzer puppy my husband & I got back is September; we named him Milo and he's insane. I know my Mom thinks I'm insane right now for having all of these pets. Sometimes I think I'm insane too.

My husband came home from a halfway house he was living at, but things didn't go well and for reasons I won't mention, he's not living here at the house again. That is all I want to say about that.

I'm working three jobs to make ends meet, plus trying to get a pet sitting service off the ground with a friend of mine. It's called The Parrot Nannies of Minnesota Inc and we specialize in taking care of parrots in the client's home. We just got incorporated, bonded, and insured. We also will take care of other pets too.

I think my Mom would be proud that I'm trying to start my own business doing something I love. Chances are, we won't make it but at least I can say we tried to do something we loved as work!

Things have been hard for me lately; I've been feeling really lonely and depressed since my husband had to leave. Even though things were not perfect with him at home again, there were some nice moments that gave me hope things might turn out alright after all. Now...I don't think so.

I know my Mom is watching out for me. I feel her with me sometimes, guiding me. Other times, when I need money or help and have no idea what to do, a solutions appears out of the blue and I know she's up There trying to help me out. Still, it isn't the same as if she were here alive with me.

Well, I don't know what else to say right now. I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go to bed. You all have a good night.

Summertime

2006-07-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

Summertime, hot warm evenings on the lake fishing for crappies. My Mom sitting at the back of the boat, her job was to run the motor & mine was to take care of dropping & lifting the anchor at the front of the boat. My little sister sat in the middle seat of the boat, fishing pole in hand. The sun shining above us as we pulled away from the dock for another evening of fishing. Across the lake we puttered in the big green fiberglass boat with the 9 HP motor, which was to small for the boat, but it got us to our fishing spot night after night without fail. Some nights we didn't catch anything, some nights we caught tons of fish, and each night was fun. Sitting in the golden light of the setting sun on Lake Morrison, all those years ago....thinking it would always be that way, always.

That was years ago, when I was a child and when the world was a totally different place. Summers at the family cabin seemed endless, even boring by the time August rolled around. Me, my Mom, and my sister spend every summer up there, next to two cabins that belonged to my Mom's grandmother (later her uncle) and my Mom's only paternal uncle. We spent the summers mixing with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins....it was so much fun.

My Mom loved it at the cabin, it was her favorite place to be.

Mother's Day

2006-05-15T20:20:00.000-07:00

I am sorry that I didn't add anything to the site yesterday, Mother's Day. A combination of events kept me from getting on my computer yesterday; I wasn't feeling well, I went with my husband to see his Mom, & I decided to let my husband move back into the house yesterday.

My husband & I did make it out to the cemetery to visit my Mother's grave late in the afternoon. I cut more lilacs from my lilac bush, along with some from my kind-hearted neighbor's bush, and we drove out to visit Mom's grave. My husband hadn't seen her headstone before & I think it really shook him, considering that his own Mother isn't feeling very well right now as she is battling renal cancer. I pray each night before I go to bed that she is able to fight the cancer off once again....

Yesterday was less painful for me than I thought it would be, although I am not certain as to why. Maybe because the first anniversary of her death, May 11th, had occurred only a few day before? That day held a lot of sadness, pain, & grief for me, as did her birthday on May 3rd. I think that much of my sadness had flowed out of me by the time Mother's Day arrived. For the most part, I felt very drained yesterday, and I also felt a sense of relief.

Yes, a sense of relief, because I have finally faced the first year of my life without my Mother being alive. I have faced an entire year of holidays & important family events without her; I imagine as I face some of these same holidays in the future, they will be a bit easier to bear because I know now what it is like to live a full yearly cycle of my life without the benefit of my Mother's sense of life & love in this world. I still sense her life & love in a spiritual sense, however.

And so another year begins....

One Year

2006-05-11T21:08:00.000-07:00

It was one year ago today that my Mother died of lung cancer. She tried to fight it for over 14 months but in the end, it proved to be too much for her & it took her life. I remember I was at work only a few minutes when I got a phone call from my brother saying they didn't think Mom had to much time left & that I'd better get to the hospital as quickly as possible. The problem was that the hospital was over 160 miles away, almost a three hour drive. I rushed home from work, my husband & I grabbed some clothes & our medications & we drove up north as fast as we could.

I remember arriving at the hospital, seeing my brother outside getting some air. He warned me that Mom was in terrible shape & that she probably only had hours to live. We went into the hospital room & she was unconscious from the pain medications they were giving her; they told us that she was totally unaware of what was going on around her. She was on an oxygen mask, gasping for air...her kidneys were shutting down & so fluid was starting to fill up her lungs. She was skinny, had no hair, and was so pale. It was shocking to see her in that condition because I had been with her just two days before when she still has some of her wits about her & she didn't look nearly as bad.

My siblings, our spouses, and myself were all in shock. We all knew the end would come sooner or later, yet that didn't prepare any of us for the actual fact of her impending death. Now we all together with her to face the end with her, at least that is what we all thought would happen. Instead, she passed away while being turned over by two nurses who asked all of us to leave the room while they did so. My belief is that Mom wanted to spare all of us from seeing the actual moment of her death & so she left during the brief moment none of us was in the room with her.

The week following her death is a blur for me now. I remember all of us sitting in the hospital room with her body, each taking time to say good-bye to her. I remember I was the one who turned off the IV drip that was in her arm. Then my sibling & I had to plan the funeral. My Mom was laid to rest in a plot given to her by her great-aunt & uncle, not far from her own parents. Lilacs were my Mom's favorite flowers & so I clipped a whole bunch of them off my bushes & brought them for her funeral.

Time went by & life went on for those of us she left behind. My life turn more painful turns as one of my dogs died from cancer a month after my Mom & then I watched as my husband slowly gave into his alcoholism & depression, trying to kill himself twice before the end of last year. My siblings faced their own ups and downs. We all came together, except for my husband, at my brother's house last Christmas. By then, my sister had announced she was pregnant again. My husband was committed to a hospital for treatment. My brother's life went on as usual with his wife & two children. But Christmas just wasn't the same without Mom.

Winter came & went. Now it is Spring & the lilacs are blooming again. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it out to my Mom's grave today, so I went last night after work. I brought a huge bouquet of lilacs that I had clipped with me for her, purple ones that smelled so sweet. God, she loved how they smelled.

I was shocked yesterday when I arrived at her grave to find that her headstone had finally been put in place. Seeing it there, with her name & the dates of her birth & death, brought everything back into sharp focus in my head. Here was the final proof that she was really gone, set in stone. It took my breath away.

I sat with her for awhile last night, caressing the headstone. I talked to her, telling her how much I love her & miss her. I told her everything that had gone on the past year to me & to my siblings. I kept touching the headstone because there is now nothing else left of her to touch. You can't touch memories, you can't hold them in your hand & feel them there. You can, however, hold them in your heart, which is what I do with my Mother's memories each & every day.

One year ago today, my life changed forever in an instant when my Mother died. Suddenly the world seemed a lot more frightening & painful. It became a much more lonely place for me. I no longer had my "Mommy" there to protect me from the full brunt of life's pain. Even though I am a grown woman, after my Mother's death I discovered that she had still protected me, somehow, from the worst of life's pain even after I'd become an adult & had gone out into the world on my own. I don't know how she did it, all I know is that she did.

My Mother left me many things--not material things--emotional lessons & wonderful memories. She also left me memories of bad times too, when we clashed over different issues & drifted apart from one another. I learned from her that life contains good times & bad, and that you can't have one without the other. She taught me to always try & hang onto your faith. She taught me how to love and how to hate.

She helped make me into the woman I am today.

So I say to her, thank you Mom. Thank you for your life, my life, and even for your death. From all of these things I have learned about what is important in life. I have learned from you that love is the greatest thing in the world...and that is can ironically be the worst thing too at times. I learned from you that no one is perfect & that it is okay. I learned from you pride & humility. Sadness & joy. From you, I learned how to live.

Thank you, Mom, for everything. Please know that I love you with all my heart & I miss you with all of my soul. I hope you are proud of me & what I have accomplished on my own since you left this world one year ago today. I am still standing here, strong, on my own, living life. Just like you taught me to do.

Happy Birthday Mom

2006-05-03T20:29:00.000-07:00

Today my Mom would have been 64 years old & this is her first birthday without her in my life. I thought a lot about her today while I was at work and during the evening while I was at a club meetings. I can't believe that today was her birthday; it just didn't seem like it. Her birthday used to be something special to me & I always made a point to visit her or call her. Today came & couldn't do either one.

I am emotionally exhausted facing all of these important days without her crammed so close together; her birthday on May 3rd, the first anniversary of her death coming up on May 11th, and of course Mother's Day. Each of these days by alone is very emotional to deal with but having them all coincide so near one another is very hard to deal with.

As I was driving home from my meeting tonight, I tried talking to my Mom. I wished a happy birthday & told her that I loved her & missed her. It was the first time today I had a chance to just be alone & think about her. Oddly, I feel kind of numb. I am feeling very little pain, nor am I very upset. I wonder why? Is it because an entire year has gone by & am I starting to get used to her being gone? Or will the pain & sadness hit me later, as it has so often during the past year?

At any rate, all I can say is that I love you Mom & I miss you. Happy birthday.

A Visit To The Cemetery

2006-04-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

Today was a beautiful day here in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The sun was out, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, the temperature hit around 72 degrees with a light breeze, & everything is beginning to turn green. It was a perfect early spring day! Just wonderful.

So today, I went to the cemetery with my husband (he spent the weekend at the house with me, but that is another story). We bought flowers at the farmers market as the last of the vendors were closing & they give me a dozen red roses for free. Then we drove to the cemetery.

This is the first time I've gone since Thanksgiving, I think. The last six months have kind of blurred together in my memory due to all of the issues I've been dealing with. Anyway, we found my Mother's grave but they still have not installed her grave stone, so it took a bit of looking. She is buried in the plot next to the spot where my great aunt & uncle will be buried. Both of them are still alive but they already have their grave stone in place, so that is what I looked for when searching for my Mom's grave.

I put the roses & half of the carnations I bought on her grave & the other half of the carnations I'd bought on her parent's grave, which is only a short distance away. In addition to their graves, close by are the graves of my great-grandparents from both sides of my Mom's family tree. There are a lot of Slovaks buried in the area.

We didn't stay long. I didn't feel the need to this time. The essence that made my Mom who she was is not buried in the ground there in the cemetery. What made her my Mom has passed beyond this world to a far better place. What made my Mom the person I loved lives on in me, in my heart and in my memories, and in how I live my life each day. It lives on her in family & friends & in the heart of God.

I didn't cry today either. Maybe because it is Spring, a time of new life and new hope, and because I am trying to make a new beginning with my husband. I felt sad, to be sure, but no tears this time. No tears. I have cried so many tears since she died on May 11th 2005, but there were none today. I am sure there will be more in the future, though.

Life goes on. My sister is pregnant with another little girl due in the beginning of June! My husband is now living in a halfway house, going to treatment, and seems to be doing well. We are taking things between us one day at a time because, as we have both learned within the last year and a half, there is no other way to live. I have not talked to my brother or anyone in his family for a couple of months now but I would bet they are doing well.

My mother-in-law's renal cancer has returned, worse than before. There are two tumors in her brain & one in her hip bone. I do not know what her prognosis is but I would assume that it isn't too good, given that this is four time her renal cancer has turned up in different spots in her body over the last few years. So far, each time she's fought it off, and I hope she can this time, but I don't know....

My Mom's birthday is coming up, on May 3rd, then there is Mother's Day, & the first anniversary of her death. I am not sure how I will deal with those upcoming days. I know I miss my Mom a lot and wish she was here to enjoy another Spring with me.

Thanks for listening.

Mother's Day Cards

2006-03-21T20:19:00.000-08:00

I belong to an email support group for women who have lost their mothers within the last couple of years. It is a wonderful, supportive group and I am grateful to be a member of it. Today, one of the women mentioned she'd seen Mother's Day cards in the stores already & she couldn't believe how early they were coming out with them. She also mentioned this will be her first Mother's Day without her mother & she asked to hear from others about how they have coped or are going to try and cope with the situation. The following is what I wrote, it just flowed out of me as you see below:

"In a way, this upcoming Mother's Day will be the first without my Mom, because she was dying on Mother's Day last year & was almost totally out of it. She was in the intensive care ward of the hospital, her body racked with infection, lung cancer, and ravaged by the chemotherapy she'd been having. I remember sitting in the room with her, watching her sleep, not fully understanding at that point in time that she was dying. I sat there for hours with her, relieving my sister, and waiting for my brother to arrive. I sat there alone with her & the nurses, trying to read a book, trying to absorb what was happening...

So although she was there physically, and although she would wake up from time to time & try to talk to me, mentally she wasn't there anymore on Mother's Day of last year. Three days later, on Wednesday May 11th 2005, she died. She died during a moment when the hospital staff asked me, my siblings, and our spouses who were there to step out of the room for a moment while they rolled her over. At least one of us had been with her in the room all morning long, most of the time all of us were, and yet she passed on when none of us were in the room. I think she wanted to spare us from watching that final moment, I don't think she wanted any of us to see the moment she drew her last breath, and so she crossed over with only the hospital staff in the room with her.

I keep trying to keep it out of my mind, the fact that almost a year has passed since she died. May 3rd was her birthday, right before Mother's Day, and she died on May 11th. The month of May, which used to be my favorite month of the year because it was the month so many things seemed to burst back into life here in Minnesota, will never be the same again. Never. I will never be able to smell the lilacs again, her favorite flower, thinking of Spring with the same joyous freedom as I used to. May will be bittersweet this year, as it always will be from now on, until I myself leave this world & this life."

I miss you Mom, as always.

A New Year Has Begun

2006-01-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

Happy belated New Year everyone! We are now five days into the year 2006 and so far, so good! I spent New Year's Eve at home, alone (unless you count my pet parrots & my dog). Mom is in Heaven, my husband is going to be staying in the hospital for treatment for a long, long time, so it was just me & my thoughts as 2005 came to a close.

2005 began with much hope and happiness because, at the beginning of the year, my entire family believed that my Mother's cancer had gone into remission. My Mom looked really good at the beginning of 2005; she had some hair again, color back in her cheeks, and a spring in her step. But all was not right...there was a nagging pain in her lower back, one that her doctor's couldn't figure out.....

In February the doctors confirmed that my Mother' s lung cancer had returned & it has spread to her spine. The beast was back with a vengeance. My Mom wanted to do chemo again; she wanted to fight the cancer. She started chemo again but the harsh chemicals were too much for her this time around. I believe the chemo hastened her death & my Mother's chemo nurse agreed with me. My Mother wasn't strong enough for it this time around.

Thus 2005 became a nightmare year for me in many ways. Losing my Mother to death, losing my husband to mental illness & his alcoholism, losing one of my dogs to lymphoma...I could go on with many more things that happened in 2005 that made it an awful year for me.

Now another year has begun. It is a blank slate with nothing yet written on it. I come to this blank slate with many thoughts on my mind, many burdens on my shoulders, wondering what will be come to be in my life this year. I start the first complete year of my life without my Mother, without her love & her presence to guide me, without her humor to buoy me up, without her in my life. This fills me with sadness and dread. I miss her so much, although I know she is with me in spirit. I miss her.

Merry Christmas

2005-12-24T21:30:00.000-08:00

Here is wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas. I hope all of you were able to spend the holiday with people you love in a warm, safe place. May all of your Christmas hopes and dreams come true. Cherish those around you, give lots of love to your family and friends. Never take them for granted.

It is my first Christmas without my Mother & also my first Christmas without my husband at my side. I did not spend the day alone, however. This morning I gave my artificial Christmas tree who a family in need. This evening I spent time with my brother, my sister, and their families and then I went with them to my aunt's house to spend the rest of the night.

Now I am home, alone, at 11:30pm in front of my computer. My Mother is in Heaven and my husband is in a hospital in the psych ward. I am sitting here in the dark, wishing both of them could be here with me tonight to share another year celebrating the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ. I wish I could see my Mother, watch her smile as she opened her gifts, and hear her laugh in enjoyment. I wish my husband were well & could be here by my side to comfort me as I face this first Christmas without my Mother.

I miss you, Mom. It didn't seem quite like Christmas without you there with us tonight. Your granddaughter Isabelle is now 17 months old and she is such a goofy little child! You certainly would have enjoyed her antics tonight! And her mother, my younger sister, is pregnant again! Your daughter is going to be a mother again soon...She misses you very much too. Your other grandchildren are getting so big! Your grandson is now 6 feet 2 inches tall! It seems like only yesterday he was a baby like Isabelle!

Don't worry about me Mom, I'll be all right. I am taking care of myself, doing what needs to be done regarding the crisis I'm facing with my husband. He's in a safe, warm place being watched over by people trained to help him & give him the best shot he has at overcoming his problems, assuming that is what he wants. Me? I am enjoying life without having to deal with his drinking and coming home is at last a comfortable thing for me to do. People say I am so strong and dealing with this so well, although I don't feel like it. Am I doing well, Mom? Would you be proud of me?

Tonight I am sad. I am also grateful for the blessings in my life. My home, my health, my pets, my family and friends. I thank God on this holy night for giving us the gift of His love through His son Jesus Christ. I pray to God to give us all peace, happiness, and love during this holiday season and throughout the year. Bless you all.

On being sick and alone

2005-12-04T20:33:00.000-08:00

I have been really sick the last 24 hours with what I think is food poisoning. Friday night I went out with two girlfriends to a local Applebees for dinner after we got off work. Two of us ordered the same thing, and we all shared spoonfuls of ice cream from a chocolate ice cream Sunday. All three of us got sick with the same symptoms within a four hour time span late last night; vomiting, diarrhea, fever, cramps & constant stomach pain, and feeling so very weak. It seems really odd we'd all get sick at the same time with the same illness. We're going to call the restaurant tomorrow & let them know about it.

My brother called & asked me for $270 toward Mom's headstone....I wish I had the money right now but I don't. I do have money but I need it to make the house payment & for other bills as well. My husband still in a treatment center & so he's not bringing any income in, in fact he's draining it away with copays and such. He applied so SSDI but it can take up to four months before he'll find out if his claim is accepted.

My sister's pregnancy isn't going well. I guess a part of the placenta is pulling away from the wall of her womb, so they put her on total bed-rest for the next two week. I told my sister that she can call me anytime she likes to talk to me about things, to remember that I'm her big sister and I will always be there for her to the best of my ability.

Being really sick alone sucks. I miss having someone there to cuddle me & check up on me. Sometimes I have felt so dizzy that I couldn't get out of bed today to get to the bathroom in time...if my husband were here, he would have helped me. I miss him and I hope he's really working at getting better in the treatment center he's at. I really missed my mom through all of this too. I really could use her support right now, the kind words, the motherly advice on how to take care of myself. I really miss her lately while I've been going through the horrible situation of these last few weeks with my husband.

I am really feeling icky, so I'm going to bed. Good night all.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-27T18:34:00.000-08:00

I had to face Thanksgiving alone, without my mother or my husband. This is the first Thanksgiving without my mother and my husband is in the hospital for treatment of some personal problems he's having. I wasn't alone, per se, I went to my mother-in-law's house, but I was not able to spend the holiday with the two most important people in my life this year.

The last few Thanksgivings were really not that big an event for our family with my mother. She usually would work on Thanksgiving because she wanted the overtime pay, so my siblings and I would spent it with our spouse's families. My husband and I would usually stop in and visit my mother on Thanksgiving afternoon after she got off work for a little while after spending the day with his family. The holiday that is going to be really tough for me to face without her is Christmas.

Today I went out to her grave and put up an evergreen wreath on it. Her grave still doesn't have a headstone because my sister spent the headstone money on doctor bills for her baby, which is what our mother would have wanted her to do. I saw my brother briefly on Thanksgiving and he's going to pay for a headstone. It was a very warm but windy, grey, damp day here and I went to her grave in the later afternoon. All the snow we had gotten on Friday had melted so I had no trouble finding her grave and I hammered the wreath stand into the ground so that it can't be blown over.

I stood there looking at the ground, the ground under which she is buried, and I didn't know what to say. I said the Lord's prayer and then I talked to her for a few minutes, I told her I'm doing okay and hanging on despite of everything that is going on in my life right now. I told her I missed her and that I wished she were her with us; I sure could use her support right now and my sister is pregnant with another baby. I believe she is in Heaven and that she knows all of this but it sure would be wonderful to have her here in this world with us to face these things in life. I didn't cry. This is the second time I've been out to her grave since she was buried in mid-May.

The graves of her parents are only a few feet away, so I went over to them and said a prayer as well. They were the most wonderful grandparents a person could have and I still miss them very much too. My mother was very close to her parents in life and it is fitting she is near them in death as well.

I miss her so much.

Lonely

2005-10-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling really lonely the last few days. I tried calling both of my siblings last week; I talked to my sister for awhile and that was nice. Then I tried my brother & he told me he'd call me back but he hasn't yet. Mom's grave still doesn't have a headstone yet & I was trying to find out what the plan was for getting one. My sister told me she sent my mother's rent rebate check to my brother so that we could buy a headstone but that she isn't up to helping select one out. My brother told me he hadn't gotten the money yet & that he'd call me back.

This is how it was when Mom was still alive...Neither one of my siblings wanted to talk about my mother's cancer or to try to deal with it with her. Both of them would just ignore it--my sister by coming out & saying that she couldn't talk about it or deal with it & my brother by not responding to me about it. It frustrates me that they both are so willing to continue the same patterns of denial even after Mom's death. Maybe I need to talk to them about it? Can't they ever think of things that way? Yet I can't fault them for dealing with things in their own way.

It was this time last year that I spent my last really long stretch of quality time with my Mother before we found out her cancer had come back. The first weekend in October of last year was just beautiful, like this past weekend, and I had gone up North to where my Mother lived to talk to her about the state of my marriage & to just get comfort from her. I remember we took a drive down some back roads to look at the fall colors & it was literally a golden day--so warm, the trees all shades of gold, & the sun filling the sky. Now I sit here a year later alone & without her. There doesn't seem to be much beauty in this fall season so far for me.

The holidays are coming up so fast, as is my birthday. I am not looking forward to celebrating anything this year because I don't feel like I have anything to celebrate. Last year, at this time, my entire family was so happy because there was no sign of her cancer anywhere in her body! We all had hope then, although we all knew that the odds were against her because of the type of lung cancer she had. The majority of people who are diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer died within a year of the date they found out they had it.

I miss my Mom so much.

Over four months gone by now.....

2005-09-20T20:17:00.000-07:00

It has been over four months since my Mother died. Why does it seem like it happen years & years ago for me? I spoke with my sister last night & she said that it seems just like yesterday for her; she lived with my our Mother the last few months of her life. Maybe that is why it seems so different for her. I haven't spoken with my brother for a long time now & so I don't know how the grieving process is going for him.

I miss my Mother so much. I got a new cell phone this past weekend & when I sat down to program the phone numbers of my family & friends the first phone number I thought to program was hers...then it hit me again that she is gone. This keeps happening to me over & over! I went out with a couple of girlfriends last week & we'd start talking about our mothers and I'd say something about my Mother in the present tense! My one friend whose mother is still alive would look at me funny. My other friend, who lost her mother a year or so ago, would say to me, "It is okay. It takes awhile." She understands.

It takes time...people keep saying that to me. It takes time to heal, to accept, to move on. Four months is a very short period of time when it comes to the grieving process. Four months without my Mother alive compared to 38 years with her...four months is nothing.

Cancer Strikes Again.....

2005-09-02T18:51:00.000-07:00

Today my husband called me at work--his mother was being rushed to the University of Minnesota hospital from another hospital near her home after going into the emergency room with a sudden bad headache and a partial loss of vision in her right eye. A CAT scan at the first hospital revealed a quarter-sized tumor on the right side of her brain & that is why she was sent to the U of MN hospital. There is no doubt it is cancer because five years ago she had a kidney removed due to cancer & since then they found it in her tailbone (they were able to treat it) and a small spot in her lung that never grew. They did an MRI on her at the U of MN but we won't know the results of it until tomorrow. We won't know what treatment options they will select or what the outcome will be until then.

Of course my husband is very upset, as am I. I have had a wonderful relationship with my mother-in-law thus far and I love her very much. This is almost too much to bear considering my mother died of lung cancer on May 11th and I had to put one of my dogs down about a month later due to lymphoma. I hate cancer very much.

In sickness & health, missing Mom

2005-08-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

I've been very sick the last week with a combination ear & sinus infection--so sick I missed a week of work, had three doctor's visits in the last week, and have been in bed most of the time. I have a history of very serious sinus problems that include bad allergies and two sinus surgeries. I'll be getting a CAT scan of my sinuses on Monday & will be seeing a new ear/nose/throat surgeon in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, in the past whenever my sinuses have gotten this bad and made me this sick, I've been able to call my Mom and talk to her. Hearing her voice always made me feel better mentally, if nothing else. My Mom understood how serious my sinus problems are and how depressed I'd get whenever they got so bad like the last week.

But Mom is gone now, dead over three months. I felt so alone the last few days, so isolated, so depressed. There is no way I can reach out to her and talk to her and be able to hear her voice right now, no way to feel her touch, or to see her face live and in person. The pain of this combined with being depressed over being so sick again had really pushed me near the edge the last few days. Not even my beloved parrots have been able to make me smile

Right now, what I wish the most for, is to have my Mom back, even if only for a few minutes, to listen to me & hold me. I'm a grown woman, yet inside there is still a little girl who longs for her mother's protection only now to find it totally gone. I feel as if I've been stripped of some vital layer of protection, both physical and mental.

I wish there was some way to make this pain go away, to quit feeling so depressed at times about her passing. I know there is no quick fix...is there?

Its been awhile....

2005-08-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

I know it has been awhile since I posted anything to this blog. My life has been pretty busy and I've been trying to think of other things besides the fact that my mother is dead. Yet that fact & the thoughts associated with it keep intruding into my brain all the time...which is normal I guess.

I can't believe it has almost three months since my mother died. It seems like it happened much farther back in time than that. It seems to me like she's been gone for years...yet my sister says for her it seems like it only happened yesterday. I've tried calling my brother a couple of times but he hasn't returned my calls so far & I'm not sure why. I have my ideas why but that is another mess entirely that I don't want to go into right now.

I miss my mother a lot.

Thunderstorms

2005-06-29T20:37:00.000-07:00

I find it strange the things that are triggering memories of my Mother. Tonight, here in Minneapolis, we are getting hit by another round of sever thunderstorms. There is no threat in my neighborhood right now, just lots of lightning, thunder, and heavy rains.

My mother loved thunderstorms, especially when she was up at the cabin on Lake Morrison near Outing, Minnesota. She really loved the sound of the thunder rolling overhead and the lightning snaking through the black sky over the lake.

So tonight, I am sitting here watching an almost continuous light show outside of my kitchen window thinking that my Mother must be enjoying the view she has of it from Heaven. I know she'd enjoy being here right now to watch it with me.

I really miss her.

How am I doing....

2005-06-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

An anonymous person emailed left the following comment in response to my blog's first entry:

I want to know how you are doing after your mom is now "on the other side". I feel for you and the pain you are probably experiencing. please let us know how you are doing........

I'm not sure how to answer this question because my thoughts & feelings regarding my Mother's death change from moment to moment. I've found that emotions are a very fluid under the best circumstance; under the worst, they are unpredictable. I am finding myself beening caught off-guard by what I'm feeling in tesponse to my mother's death.

Right now I'm doing pretty good. I had a very busy day and haven't had time to really think about my Mother's death. I did think about her on the way home from running an errand this evening when I saw a double rainbow..it made me smile.

At other times during the past week I've been suddenly filled with pain & found myself crying because of the though that my Mother is dead & that I'll never see her again in this lifetime. I even find myself forgetting she's gone and thinking for a second or two that I should call her on the phone to see how she's doing but then I remember she's dead. I can't really describe what that moment is like.

I do not currently have a constant state of mind or emotion regarding my Mother's death and I don't think I ever will. All I can tell you is that, right now, I'm doing okay....

2005-06-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

My mother & Charlie my African Grey Parrot

I hate cancer.....

2005-06-23T19:19:00.000-07:00

Lung cancer took my mother's life on 5/11/05 & she fought it for 14 months prior to her death. Yes, she was a smoker, although she had quit a few years prior to her death. Cancer is not a common killer in my mother's family and there is no doubt in my mind her lung cancer was due to her smoking. It was somewhat ironic that she got lung cancer when she did--several years after quitting smoking.

Cancer is an ugly illness and it seems to be inside everyone & everything I love now. I had to put one of my dogs, a Miniature Schnauzer named Cosmo, to sleep on 6/21/05 because he was ill with lymphoma. A few years ago my mother-in-law found out she had kidney cancer and had to have a kidney removed. My aunt has been fighting breast cancer on & off for years now. My paternal grandfather died of pancreatic cancer many years ago.

I hate cancer. I wish I could make it disappear from the world this instant. I don't see anything positive that comes from cancer in any of its many forms. I read a "inspiring" piece in a Usenet group about cancer not too long ago called "The Gift". The person who wrote it developed some type of cancer and they considered it to be some kind of "gift" because it opened their eyes to a lot of things in life. Well, there is no way in Hell that or my mother thought her cancer was any kind of uplifting or eye-opening gift. We both thought it was a terrible thing that would (and did) eventually kill her and neither of us found anything pleasant or thankful in that.

About the only good thing I can think of that was a result of her cancer was that it brought my sibling & I closer together before and after Mom's death. It brought each of us closer to her while she was still alive..but why didn't any of realize the importance of our relationships to one another while Mom was still alive? Why did it take a horrible, fatal illness to open our eyes to things?

I know I'll never find answers to questions like that--and that sucks.

March 2004

2005-06-15T20:33:00.000-07:00

In early March of 2004 (I don't recall the exact date) I got a call from my Mother saying that her doctor had found a suspicious looking spot on her lung x-rays. A biopsy would needed to find out what it was but with my Mother's 35 plus years of smoking, it is a good bet it is lung cancer. How ironic since she had quit smoking several years before. Our entire family lived in fear & uncertainty for several days until our worst fears were confirmed--the spot on the x-ray was Small Cell Lung Cancer.

My Mother passed away on May 11th 2005 after battling the cancer for 14 months. During that year she went through Hell with chemotherapy and radiation treatment. During those 14 months she also experienced a lot of wonderful events: my sister's marriage, the birth of a grandchild, and seeing her children pull together in a time of crisis & prove to ourselves and her that we were a family.

So, here I am now, motherless. Wondering what the future holds, wondering what the past means, and wondering why my Mother had to die when she was only 63 years old. That is why I have created this blog: to explore my thoughts, feeling, and emotions as I journey through the grief of my Mother's death. I hope that by sharing my story (and of course my Mother's story) that others who are going through this experience will know that they are NOT alone.

So let the story begin....